You Know Your Love Language, but What About Your Lust Language?

Over the past few years, the concept of "love languages" has gone mainstream. Most of us probably already know the theory. According to marriage counselor Gary Chapman, Ph.D., there are five main ways to give and receive love: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time and physical touch. And according to his theory, we all have our preferences. Understanding which love language we need and which one we use can help us understand our relationships and improve communication.

But how does this theory translate to the bedroom? While you might be a words of affirmation kind of girl in your day-to-day romantic life, when it comes to sex, your love language may no longer apply. Well, there is actually a separate set of love languages, known as erotic languages, that impact how we communicate in our sex lives.

What is a lust language or erotic blueprint?

The idea of a lust language, or erotic blueprint as it is commonly called, was originally conceived by somatic sexologist and educator Jaiya, from California. As Jaiya sees it, an erotic blueprint is like a map of what turns you on. Understanding your erotic blueprint can help you understand your "primary sexual style."

Once you know your sexual style (and your partner's), sex can become less about guesswork and more about following the blueprint. You can begin to set boundaries based on which lust languages turn you off. You can help your partner understand what turns you on. You can become more confident in asking for what you need. In the same way that knowing your love language can help you in romance, knowing your lust language can help you with sex.

"Learning about your partner's erotic blueprint can mean the difference between guessing what will ignite arousal and knowing what will," said Luca Hogan, a sex expert at Delicto, a sex toy company based in New York City. "When you understand your partner's erotic blueprint, you're better able to curate the best sexual experience for them. It can also remind you that there's nothing 'wrong' with you if you don't become aroused in a certain sexual situation.

"Keep in mind that, like your love language, your blueprint can shift over time as you move through different stages of life," Hogan continued. "Check in with yourself and your partners periodically, and don't forget that communication is always key to good sex, no matter what your erotic blueprint."

Understanding the five erotic blueprints

Jaiya's theory is that there are five erotic blueprints. One probably resonates with you the most. This is your "primary erotic blueprint."

Sensual

If you are primarily sensual, you are all about feeling sensation. Whether it's what you hear, see, smell, taste or feel, when the senses are stimulated, you feel aroused. For sensual people, everything has to be perfect around you. This means elements like candlelight and pleasant aromas might turn you on, while aspects like a dirty bedroom or bad music might be a turnoff.

"The sensual type is an excellent example that not everyone needs orgasm to enjoy erotic play and helps show that there are multiple levels to how a person can receive erotic stimulation from not just touch but their environment, too," said Ness Cooper, a clinical sexologist and therapist in the United Kingdom who has taken a few of Jaiya's short trainings. 

"My tip is to add scents and temperature play with a massage candle to awaken more senses," Cooper said.

Sexual

For sexual people, sex in and of itself is enough to be a turn-on. If you're primarily sexual, you probably feel aroused just thinking about the act of sex, regardless of the environment or circumstance.

"The sexual type brings awareness that some individuals are still very sexual and exciting even if their erotic enjoyment may be vanilla, [and] that it is still valid," Cooper said. "Exploring different sexual positions may just be your thing, or adding in erotica or porn before you explore things further through solo sex or partnered."

Energetic

The energetic blueprint is all about anticipation. In order to feel aroused, you need to feel that the sexual energy is building. For you, sex is best with lots of foreplay or even thoughts about the event earlier in the day.

"The energetic type talks about anticipation and the yearning for erotic interaction and its buildup," Cooper said. "This could also help fulfill some individuals' attachment styles, particularly those who [have] anxious and ambivalent attachment types, and help them feel a secure attachment during this form of erotic play with a partner."

Her tip is to use a blindfold to help build anticipation.

Kinky

As you may have guessed, people who are primarily kinky thrive on those sexual kinks that might be thought of as taboo by society. You enjoy sexual activities like playing with power dynamics, BDSM and voyeurism. Of course, you probably have your own unique kinks that turn you on.

"The kinky type…acknowledges that some are turned on by taboos and that it may present in erotic dynamics differently, and that's OK," Cooper said. "Some may be satisfied with kinky sex toys like rope and paddles, while others may enjoy power dynamics and play, which will need a further discussion of boundaries and safe words."

Shape-shifter

Shape-shifters tend to mix and match the other four erotic blueprints. What turns you on is whatever turns your partner on. This means you're able to empathize in the bedroom and adapt your lust language based on your partner's needs. With one partner, you might find that sensual sex suits you best; with another, you may find that their kinks turn you on.

"The shape-shifter type essentially is talking about sexual fluidity and someone who may move fluidly throughout types," Cooper said. "So a sex toy bundle may be a good starting point."

Regardless of which erotic blueprint suits you, learning about your own needs and the needs of your partner can only facilitate better communication and better sex.