How to Safely and Successfully Have a Threesome

Threesomes enable you to live out a fantasy or explore and expand a bond with a partner. They don't come without potential risks, however, including miscommunication, jealousy and even safety concerns. If you decide to have a ménage à trois, how should you go about it?

For couples inviting a third

Weigh the pros and cons as individuals and partners. Do you both want to do this? Will one or both of you feel resentful? Discuss who will engage in what and create a general plan for how it will go down. Who will you invite to join you? A friend or an ex may add emotional conflicts. On the other hand, do you want to perform this intimate act with a stranger? Consider these questions and any others that come to either partner's mind.

Being the third

Set clear boundaries with the other two people. Being the third wheel can put you in a vulnerable position, and ensuring your safety is priority number one. Also, do you have a partner? Will you tell them about this encounter? Whether you do or not, consider their feelings and the effect a threesome could have on your established relationship.

Finding a third

Check out apps 3Somer, 3Fun, 3rder and Feeld. Be upfront that you're a couple seeking a third. Don't use one person's photo and casually mention later on that a partner may be joining. All or most of your pictures (especially the first one) should be of both of you. Create a polite and honest bio, and make your interest clear: casual, one-time sex or a potential ongoing relationship.

Refrain from referring to the threesome as "a birthday gift" or a similar special-occasion fling. Your third person should be, and feel, respected. When you message with a potential third party, be witty and fun, but ensure that the other person's interests match yours. The third individual can easily feel unheard in this scenario.

Ensuring the experience is good

What's actually going to happen? First-timers may find that being in bed (or wherever) with two other people feels either very intuitive or awkward. What kind of sex (touching, oral, penetration) do participants want? Positions for three men may be dramatically different from positions for one guy and two women.

Watch (ethical and legal) three-way porn to get some ideas. Of course, you'll all likely have a pretty good idea of what to do once the mood is set and the action starts.

Safety before & during

Get together in a location where everyone will feel comfortable: A hotel room may feel safer than a personal residence for everyone involved. Set up clear boundaries and agree when and how the session should stop immediately if one person wants out. Consider creating safe words. All partners should agree to use protection to prevent both sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and pregnancy. Switch condoms whenever anyone switches partners. (Even with one partner, never move from anal to vaginal sex without putting on a new condom or washing up well.) 

Afterward

How your threesome ends should be a group decision (assuming it was a good experience and nobody wants to get the hell out of Dodge). Have coffee or just politely say goodbyes—whatever works, as long as it's respectful.

Couples should recap the encounter. How did you feel about it? Do you both want to do it again? If so, should you invite the same person or look for a different one. If you are experiencing jealousy or other negative feelings, be upfront and open. Don't let it sit and fester.

Be courteous to the third person even if you don't plan to repeat the experience. If you are the third person, respect the wishes of the couple if the encounter wasn't a good fit and they don't want to hook up again.

Threesomes can be a sexy part of a relationship, but they are not without risk. Participants should communicate, set boundaries, practice safety and be respectful. That's the best way to ensure that the experience is good for all three of you.