A Tried-and-True Guide to Safety and Fisting
Recalling a sexual encounter in a gay sauna a few years ago, Tom, a 32-year-old Londoner, said his partner wordlessly slid a condom over his hand and then used his fingers to gently stretch open Tom's anus.
"Now, I would always recommend using gloves instead of a condom, but this was the first time anyone had done something more detailed than just fingering me," Tom said. "He didn't manage to get his entire fist in, but it was a new sensation which I loved."
Years later, Tom, who requested his full name not be used, is a bonafide fisting expert who's equally happy to give or receive. His Instagram account, @rubberkfc, is dedicated to kink, latex and fisting tips, with in-depth story breakdowns of his diet and anal play preparation.
Fisting—both vaginal and anal—is often walled off into the extreme section of porn sites, but Tom believes there are key misconceptions about what he describes as an extremely intimate, intense and delicate activity.
"It's not a violent practice, but it is one that should be considered alongside long-term stretching strategies, plenty of communication and some serious anal training," he said.
It's a marathon, not a sprint
In late 2020, New York-based dominatrix Victoria Silver stumbled across a series of interviews with fisting fetishists about stuffing a turkey.
"It was the first time I'd seen it presented as a realistic fetish as opposed to a middle-school joke," she said.
A few months later, Silver sought the advice of fellow domme Mistress Morganne King.
"I asked her about fisting and then decided to give it a shot," Silver explained. "Soon afterward, I started anal training my submissive [client]. It was the birth of a new fetish for me."
Since then, she's picked up a few handy hints for both giving and receiving, and there's plenty of preparation to be done.
"Enemas are super-important for cleaning yourself out," Silver said. "While saline enemas are common, they can irritate you, so I don't recommend using them. Using room-temperature water and taking your time is the best method."
Tom advised that it's important to find a comfortable douching technique, so you're the most confident and relaxed possible for your sessions.
"This is a butthole, though, so s--t will happen, and when it does, be kind," he added.
In Tom's eyes, training is a long-term, regular commitment, so be open to training by yourself. The more you know your own body, the better you can focus during a session.
Mentors can be handy, too. Forums such as FetLife are great places to meet seasoned kink veterans willing to answer any and all questions. If you're willing, you might end up with a play partner.
Don't get sucked into comparisons, though, Tom cautioned.
"It's not a competition, and everyone's body is different," he said. "Have discussions about the practice itself with your partners, talk about safety with them and never lie about your level of experience."
Depending on your level of anal experience, fisting might require training your body to interpret new sensations as pleasure, Tom explained. Anal toys are a great way to get used to the sensation of feeling something inside your butthole, and you can gradually build up the size over time until you're comfortable taking bigger, girthier toys.
For vaginal fisting, similar rules apply. If you're helping out, the best approach is to start slowly with a finger or two and then gradually work your way up by asking your partner what feels good and what they want. Just because vaginas self-lubricate naturally, that's no excuse to rush. There's nothing less sexy than a vaginal tear to kill the mood.
As the old saying goes, "Rome wasn't built in a day," and your anus won't magically double in size overnight, either.
"Take your time and enjoy the ride," Tom said encouragingly. "The fist inside is great, but all the work up to it can be delicious."
Lube up liberally
The first step is simple: lube, lube and even more lube.
"Don't be afraid to use a lot, and ease into the fisting gently," Silver suggested.
Finding the right lube is a process of trial and error, as well as plenty of research. Although there are fisting lube options on the market, many of them are designed to partially numb or desensitize, which is definitely a bad idea—if you can't feel anything, especially pain, you can't accurately gauge your limits. Worst-case scenario, you end up with a serious tear or even a prolapse.
Water-based lubricants can be effective in the short term, but premixed options often dry up quickly, meaning plenty of reapplication.
"If you're a top, don't wait for your bottom to ask for it," Tom said matter of factly. "Just add more."
Powder lubes are also available for people who want to mix to their own preferred consistencies, and lube shooters—small pipettes which allow the lube to be "injected" directly into your butthole or vagina—can be used for maximum efficiency.
Silicone-based lubes can be handy if you're using a condom, and the thickness makes them a top choice for some fisting fans, especially for vaginal fisting. You can get super-thick water-based lubes, too.
A word of warning, though: Of course, vaginas self-lubricate, but you'll still need to lube up liberally and reapply as you go. For the anus, the same consistency doesn't really work for fisting, and if you're warming up with a silicone sex toy, the silicone-based lube can erode the toy's material—this applies to both anal and vaginal fisting.
Starting your session
The best advice is to not dive straight in.
"Before trying anything with a fist, spend time on getting to explore the outside of the hole," Tom advised. "Use fingers, toys and whatever else you have to help your hole relax. It's a crucial part of play and it will make a big difference."
Preparation is important for the giver, too.
"I recommend long gloves and short nails," Silver advised. "Latex opera gloves are a [sex worker] community favorite."
The same advice is true for vaginal fisting. The last thing your partner needs is for their clit to be snagged by a raggedy hangnail.
After plenty of fingering, licking and playing with toys, it's time to start gradually pushing the limits.
"When it comes time to actually fist, start with a finger or two," Silver explained. "When they feel warmed up, escalate to three or four, and cross your pointer and pinky finger underneath your middle and ring, and fold your thumb into your palm. Push in slowly until you're at about your wrist. When you've achieved that, slowly curl your fingers down to make a fist."
'It's not a violent practice, but it is one that should be considered alongside long-term stretching strategies, plenty of communication and some serious anal training.'
For vaginal fisting, you can use your knuckles to stimulate the G-spot for extra pleasure.
Dexterity is key. Once inside, you need to maneuver slowly and carefully to avoid causing any damage. Most importantly, you need to establish a safe word with your partner in case something starts to hurt, engage in plenty of communication and use a steady, calm approach. When you finally do get your fist inside, you need to tread carefully and remember exactly how to unfurl your fist without stretching your partner any farther—unless that's what they want, of course.
If any of this sounds intimidating, remember that practice takes patience. It's a long-term journey to get there and one which can be both intimate and insightful, whether you're trying it partnered or solo.
"If you take your time and work on training, it's amazing what you can will your body to achieve," Silver said.
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